I still feel bad hacking down an elf in the prime of his bright green tunic and boots. But in Sword of Fargoal, such are the things you do: hack everyone or be hacked by everyone. Maybe the developers could, oh I dunno know, dirty-up this elf, make him less clean and more, um, seedy.

Yeah, I could feel good about hacking down a seedy elf.

Despite Sword of Fargoal being my all-time favourite game on the iPhone/iPod Touch, there are certain moments I dread more than others. Chief among them is actually finding the sword. Why?

First, the sword rests in a maze on the 20th dungeon level. Given the time to explore the above 19 levels, fight every monster, collect every treasure, suffer every bruise — not to mention grind and buy your way to muscle bulk and spell-nirvana — well, its a bit of an investment. It gets better:

• Grab that sword and every monster in the place wants to give you a hug. Personally. Permanently.
• Grab that sword and a 4,000 second timer springs into action. With periodic earthquakes to remind you.
• Grab that sword and you have until the bell rings to bring that sword out of the dungeon. Yes, you’ll need to travel through those 19 levels above you again.
• Grab that sword and, should a monster get a little too close, it’ll steal that sword from you. And run.
• Grab that sword and it’s a guaranteed Game Over. Sooner than you think. Oh crap!